Valentine Techwipe – Luluvise, how to be a gentleman, pay with Twitter and more

Weekly column – every Thursday

Jay McGregor takes you through the best (and worst) of the news, right here every Thursday. Viewer discretion advised.

Clown Thinker — TechWipe: Weekly satirical analysis. Image: Cogdog on Flickr.

Rate your Valentine?

Valentine’s day, the one guilt free day of the year where your 364 days of romantic indifference are washed away with a bottle of room temperature wine, reusable paper rose petals, and Christmas’ left-over Quality Street.

For singletons though, Valentine’s Day is the one time of the year they get to express their non-conformist credentials by ‘not participating in this vacuous expression of love that’s been created for commercial interests.’

They say whilst sitting by the postbox like a neglected dog waiting for something fuzzy and/or wuzzy to pop through it. And it’s the singletons that have become the target of a new dating app Lulu, the first ever “database of men”.

Don’t let the description mislead you, this isn’t some dystopian government-led initiative to catalogue every single man in the country and pair him off with a compatible match, to ensure the survival of the human race.

In 2013 being unattractive is ungentlemanly

No. Lulu is something far more cynical. Lulu is an app that lets you do some background research on your new toyboy. It allows users to review their previous boyfriends and “help other girls discover the guys they believe are keepers”. Because ex-girlfriends only ever have nice things to say.

Men are rated in categories such as looks and earning power, the two most important traits to consider before diving into a relationship. Lulu founder, Alexandra Chong (pictured right), attempts to pass off this playful sexism in the same way my racist granddad tries to gloss over one of his many uncouth comments by saying ‘it’s just a bit of fun’.

Men, too, can benefit from Lulu by learning “gentlemanly behavior” from the reviews, Alexandra says. Apparently, in 2013, being unattractive is ungentlemanly behaviour.

Men reading the playful sullying of their performance in bed might feel the need to rush out and by some sex tips from one of the many self-help books available on Amazon, which they’ll be able to do with a simple tweet – according to new technology unveiled by American Express.

#payingwithatweet

In a new level of frivolity, Twitter users will be able to link their American Express credit cards to their Twitter accounts and make purchases by simply tweeting what they want, provided the company has signed up to the system.

Gone are the days of returning goods because they didn’t match the description, because, well, there won’t be a description. The façade of sanctimonious status updates will be replaced by people making purchases of sustainably sourced, hemp-woven, potato powered electric blankets for their adopted African child.

This represents the first step into a new age where business meetings are conducted in 140 characters and high-level executives trigger take-over proceedings by using the hash-tag #merger. Long serving employees are fired by being un-followed, candidates apply for positions by retweeting the job advert and chats by the water cooler are replaced by what’s trending. Terrifying.

Back in business

No one will be better prepared to handle the symbiotic relationship between Human and Twitter than the entrepreneurs of tomorrow, according to the latest figures from the Government-backed Start-up loans initiative. 1000 young entrepreneurs under the age of 30 have now received funding to start their companies.

It’s an encouraging sign of how enterprising our young are, shunning traditional 9-5 jobs to start their own empire. On an entirely unrelated note, shop keepers around the country have recently reported a massive hike in sales of cola bottles and sherbet dips, Thorpe Park now only accepts pre-bookings 6 weeks in advance and Woolworths is back in business.