TechWipe: Bang Facebook friends, Samsung S4 and Yiannopoulos pops

Weekly column – every Thursday

Jay McGregor takes you through the best (and worst) of the news, right here every Thursday. Viewer discretion advised.

TechWipe: Weekly satirical analysis. Image: Cogdog on Flickr.

Bang your Facebook friends

Have you always admired a friend from afar? Do you find yourself browsing his or her profile on occasion when your computer screen is out of view? Have you ever spent hours painstakingly flicking through their pictures, looking for that special cleavage shot? Have you recently learnt how to use your mouse with your left hand?

Then you may need the new App – Bang With Friends. Yes it’s actually called bang with friends.

When Facebook rocked up on the social networking scene, it took away the danger of perving on friends – to delight of many lonely souls around the world. Gone are the days of expensive wipe clean trench coats, military grade binoculars and thermal imaging cameras. Now, those very same lonely hearts can explicitly say who they’d like to “bang” on their friends list without fear of being caught out or publically humiliated.

All users have to do is log into the Bang With Friends website and identify who they’d like to bang. If the object of your affections or the ‘bang-e’ reciprocates then the app messages you both and informs you that you’re both very sad people, and should leave your lice infested bedsit for fresh air immediately.

This is the world we live in now. Love is a merely an algorithm calculated by a cold thoughtless machine that’s been designed by a bitter divorcee. Sex will become a completely anonymous online transaction where men insert their knob into a desktop 3D scanner and women receive it via a desktop 3D printer.

McAfee and Durex will merge to become the World’s biggest virus prevention company and well edited, inspirational,  30 minute Vimeo films will be the primary means of chatting someone up.

Samsung’s watching you

OK, maybe we’re not quite there yet. But with the recent leak of Samsung’s latest edition of the Galaxy S series, the future is closer than you think. The Galaxy S4, which was expected to be released on 14th March, has been leaked to the press.

The Korean giant also teased the world with this beauty of a ‘viral’ video:

The new phone has been rumoured to have a screen, buttons and be rechargeable. Samsung has vigorously denied these reports. The new operating system, deep fried Caramac, will be a Twitter based operating system which allows your followers to tweet what actions your phone undertakes. Removing the hassle of making time consuming decisions like who you should phone and what time you should get up for work.

Yiannopoulos bids you adieu

One place that won’t be reporting on the launch of the Samsung Galaxy S4 is The Kernel, which ceased to exist this week.

Founder, Milo Yiannopoulos, finally realised that picking fights on Twitter isn’t a viable business model and that people like to be paid with money rather than handshakes and humorous quips. Greedy bastards.

The Daily Mail of technology project didn’t quite work out and reports suggest that Milo was found alone in The Kernel HQ, huddled over, mumbling to himself ‘women don’t understand tech’.

No doubt we’ll all miss The Kernel, we’ve all enjoyed having our own Melanie Phillips of technology nevertheless it’s time to say thanks, but no thanks. The Kernel, we bid you adieu.