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Techwipe – 4G Special Edition

Weekly column – every Thursday

Jay McGregor takes you through the best (and worst) of the news, right here every Thursday. Viewer discretion advised.

TechWipe: Weekly satirical analysis. Image: Cogdog on Flickr.

4G – Because you’re worth it

In an increasingly common stroke of genius by the Government, the 4G auction – the biggest sale of British airwaves in a decade – has managed to raise just 2.3bn for the public purse. A third less than expected.

Just like musicians who spend money they don’t have, the Chancellor had anticipated 3.5bn in sales and even budgeted for it in his autumn statement. Unfortunately, the Chancellor, George Osborne, had already promised that Government borrowing would not rise this fiscal year, so further savings have to be made elsewhere.

Reports suggest the Government is considering handing over control of life-support machines to the lowest bidding energy company, privatising the poor and outsourcing Liberal Democrat ministerial roles to China.

The Office for Deflecting Responsibility

The Chancellor’s winged monkeys, or press office as they’re known in their underground lair behind Downing Street, leapt to the Chancellor’s defense and said ‘it was all the Office for Deflecting Responsibility’s fault.’

Winged monkey number 1 said that the anticipated 3.5bn was a certified number by the Office or Deflecting Responsibility and the Chancellor was just following expert advice.

The Office for Deflecting Responsibility issued an immediate rebuttal and said that because of Government cuts, they had to downgrade from Casio calculators to second-hand abacuses. Labour MP for Weakest Lincolnshire, Ann Robinson, said the Chancellor was foolish to bank his money so soon.

Too many tweets make a…

The winged monkeys should’ve taken a trip over the Atlantic to help out Burger King this week, after a press disaster that ended with them having to suspend their Twitter account.

The hacker, who is apparently linked with tribute hacking group Synonymous, took control of the Burger King Twitter account at some point during Monday afternoon.

They then proceeded to change the name of the Twitter account to McDonalds, tweet McDonalds’ special offers and post video links to ice cream face-tattooed artist Gucci Mane. Social media experts labeled the situation a ‘catastrophe’ whilst everyone else took little notice.

Cynics however have accused Burger King of orchestrating the hack to deflect attention away from their involvement in the horse-meat scandal. Secondary school biology students working for the EU have reportedly found jockey DNA in Burger King’s new burger, ‘The Frankie Dettori ’.

The burger however is yet to reach production stage because it is currently serving a 2 year suspension for a failed drug test.

London Web Summit – Let’s do lunch

Away from tweeting links to press releases no one reads, social media experts will be preparing themselves for next week’s London Web Summit.

6000 history graduates, turned PR professionals, will descend upon Old Street like there’s a discount on Châteauneuf-du-Pape at All Bar One to pitch, discuss and shout across the room ‘let’s do lunch sometime’ at important people.

There will also be some tech professionals, journalists and even your good friends at Tech City News (I’m assuming my invite is in the post Mr. Editor).

Speakers include people who have something to say, and the event will take place in a room.

If you want to join us at the summit then you’re in luck, because Tech City News is giving away two tickets to the most deserving recipients. Competition details here.